Trek thoughts- from me to me

Musings I wrote in my diary on my first solo trek (Buran Ghati)

Airport Diaries

Feels weird, but isn't that my first reaction to everything? I didn't think I would be scared. Honestly, didn't think much about how I would feel at all. I poured myself into packing and this and that for the longest time.

Now, it's in my face. A ball of mixture of excitement, nervousness, fear, and everything in between.

This journal shall represent the path of my emotions. It's actually the first time I'm using it with actual ink.

The nervousness creeped as I was in the car, heading to the airport alone. Nobody knows who I am. I know nobody. That should be exhilarating no? But, I am at the airport, heart racing just a tiny bit, with my breath shortened just a tiny bit and Andrew Huberman's voice playing in the background.

The only thing I want to do is be in this moment, soak it all in- a first that won't ever come again.

Airport is such a cool place I guess. So many people having travel experiences, each having their own story to tell.

Base Camp to Dayara

It was weird at first. Yeah, probably going to hear that word a lot. To be on your own and still not alone is a good feeling. I felt like myself again after quite some time. Last few days/weeks have been good for me. I found myself doing the stuff I procrastinated quite a lot- Wim Hoff, meditation

I was a little concerned about my health but it turned out to be okay.

Sherin Yoku- Forest Breathing. That's what we did 2 hours into the trek. See you again in a while.

Litham

I've quite opened up. Coming in, the nervousness and fear was well overwhelming I suppose. But with the views of the people over here- I'm not afraid anymore- maybe for my health a bit. The heart rate is a little high. Right now, I'm sitting in front of a crystal clear flowing river- reminds me of that poem- the Rabindranath Tagore one- Where the mind is without fear

🌊 Where the world has not been broken up into fragments

By narrow domestic walls

Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way

Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit

Seems like a perfect metaphor for this trek. Nobody judges. Everyone is quite interesting. Leading lives, fearlessly. Following what they want.

There is a strong connection here, towards myself, the nature. I remember as I was walking down the turns, I burst into a smile.

It feels almost as if I can't describe it. Yesterday, during the forest breathing, I felt like crying. The gratitude I feel right now- I take a lot of things for granted. Never challenged myself as much either.

Seeking Discomfort does help. Possibly the only thing that helps.

⛰️ Can I stop

a little while

a moment

maybe more

For a change

take the road

untaken by the

woods

Iss raat ke bich

ye baate rachi

fir khaamosh ho

gaye hum

Chandranahan Lake

"Piche ka pair aage rakho bas"

That phrase has stuck with me like anything. Today was challenging physically with the ascent, but taking baby steps is all it takes. I need to never forget that.

I've been spontaneously bursting into smiles, it feels nice. I feel like I'm repeating that. But it does happen. The pretty flowers, the sound of the lake, the huge mountains, remembering mom, dad, what they would say if they were here, How much they would have loved it.

A song that I strongly associate with my dad just stuck with me through this day.

Aa chalke tujhe, mai leke chalu…

It's the same day hehe. I'm back!

Everyone's taking a nap. I meditated for a while and then came back next to the river. It's so gorgeous. I think I said I'm feeling like myself but that's what I realized while meditating. This trek should not only be about feeling like myself. I need to change and improve myself. Return a better person. I'll have to think what though.

On another note, I feel like nature is a dopamine in itself. I don't think you can get bored here. This is not a dopamine detox. It's an overdose of natural dopamine.

Feeling the cold, putting my feet into the freezing water, smiling when the sun shines like I called it, it's all a high. A high that I think I'll keep chasing.

There is a creative flow over here. You don't have to stress for it to come out. It just wanders around and comes to you.

I think I mentioned my family quite a lot over here. Don't know if it's because I'm young and still live with them or if I just miss them- mom, dad, didi.

♥️ Can I start

loving more

an eternity

maybe more

Do I see

a smile

on the flowers breezing by

The butterflies are rushing

with my heart beating

Dhak

Iss raat ke bich

ye baate rachi

fir khaamosh ho

gaye hum

Towards Dhunda

I think I'll ask the people over here about how I should improve. It's tough because I take time to process criticism, but I think that might be a good way. I can see a waterfall from here, can listen to its sound even over the roaring river. It was tough for me physically even now, but I pushed through. Every time my mind would say stop, you can't do this, my instinct was why the fuck can't you? Give me one good reason and I couldn't come up with one, so I kept going.

I think that's an improvement I'd like to take back.

The trek guide said our team is good everyone is fit, so I'm quite happy about that hehe. He also said that the next 45 minutes would be a steep climb. My lungs are dreading that. It's cold.

DID IT!!!

hehe

Oh god I'm sitting right in front of snowcapped mountains. It's so beautiful. Majestic. The flowers are prettier than ever. Tomorrow's going to be challenging. But you know what, the same thing. Baby steps. It will be an 11-12hr trek.

Okay I'm basically freezing now as the handwriting tells you. But, I'll stay as long as possible.

📜 Kaagazon pe likhte vakt

alfaaz kyu bhanak gaye

aaj shayad naa ho

par jabh bhi aaya

kaayar theraya

Back Home

I did it! Now, I'm back home. Didn't get a chance to write after the pass. I struggled, had a panic attack but I kept going. Couldn't let that control me forever.

Reaching the summit wasn't as exhilarating as I thought it'd be, but there was a sense of completeness. I was exhausted while rappelling. That was probably more tiring for me than the ascent. I genuinely loved the snow slide even though the snow started melting in my clothes.

Oh, yeah, I now have a favourite flower- Yellow Dandelion. It stood there alone and gorgeous, spreading its wings/petals. Idk what is there in that flower that attracted me towards it. Maybe it was the solitude or maybe its confidence.

I also had like 5 Gulab Jamuns that dinner which was awesome!!

The last day was also mostly spent in the same thoughts. Bursting into smiles, and not worrying about anything.

As soon as I switched on my phone, reality rushed back in along with the stress I guess. But, I was able to take stuff better. I didn't give up. I was more open.

Coming back to Mumbai, to now, I don't know how I feel. It's weird. Yes, I'll end with the same word I started with. It feels like a dream. Not much changed here, maybe a few items displaced.

Do I fall back into the me I left 10 days ago? It is easier to think of change I guess rather than actually doing.

It's as if everything changed but nothing did. Is that how astronauts feel?

I want to be better. Better physically, better emotionally, better professionally.

There is a heaviness today. The short magic has vanished. I keep thinking about that line-

💭 Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landside,

No escape from reality